Because Introverts Are So Popular: The "I'm Sorry" List of My Introversion

[Her] isolation is confirmation
Of [her] desperation for healing hugs
So [s]he's a bit of a fixer-upper…

So, I know it’s super popular online to be an introvert these days. To the extent that I had to tell my obviously extraverted brother a few months ago that, yes, he is an extravert, but that does not mean he’s obnoxious/overbearing/odious/etc. Extraverts do like some time alone. Introverts do like to be in groups [of people whom they love. Important distinction.]. For example, I spent much of Holy Week in large and small groups of people, yet I felt much more rested than if I had spent the entire spring break sleeping in the corner. More on Holy Week to come in a future blog, I hope. Anyway, I think the current internet introversion popularity might be attributable to the fact that extraverts are out doing life and introverts are at home re-charging and writing blog posts…

Regardless, here are a few of my “I’m sorry if my introversion has ever offended you” statements. Let’s be honest, I culled many of these from the resonant points of Buzzfeed lists and threw out those with which I disagreed. [For example: not all introverts are misanthropes. Caveat: NYC introverts might possibly all be misanthropes. I’m trying to avoid buying into that wholesale… but I’ll admit, I did verbally sigh, “oh, for the love,” as I zoomed around a cluster of distracted tourists on 35^th today. And I may have left class halfway through, pretending I needed a drink of water just so I could have a break from the banal banter on unrelated topics.]

1. I’m sorry I never actually answer my phone. Please leave me a message. I will call you back. I like to be mentally prepared for what you want me to say to you on the phone. Improv has never been my strong suit, especially when I can’t see your face.
2. With that in mind, I’ve become more comfortable with Skype/Facetime/Google Hangouts. But I do have to have a scheduled time to be in front of the camera. I still won’t just answer if you try to cold-call me.
3. If I’ve ignored your text, it’s not you, it’s me. Or the fact that I have finally promised myself a few hours of uninterrupted reading time and my phone is on ‘do not disturb’ mode.
4.  Just as an aside, that ‘do not disturb’ setting does allow for repeat calls to go through. If you really need me, please call right back. If you simply text “are you still up?” I might not notice it, though I’m probably still up.
5. If I’ve ignored Facebook private messages, that’s simply because the interface is conducive to forgetting that they exist. Gmail is a much better choice for reaching me.
6. If you text/call in the morning, yes, I am probably still sleeping. I don’t know why I try to pretend I’m not. If you hear my “morning voice” and I try to make some lame excuse about having a cold, I’m lying. I was up until 3 reading and still think that real grown-ups go to bed at 11 and get up at 6. Ok, this actually has very little to do with introversion…
7. Continuing on that thought process, if you hear my “morning voice,” don’t make a big deal of it. That’s the quickest way not to have your phone call answered the next time. If I’ve chosen to answer, you don’t have to feel guilty about calling.
8. And to make this list a paragraph, just don’t make a big deal of things in general. If I am clearly trying to move past something embarrassing, please do me a favor and move past it with me. I’m all about pretending embarrassing things didn’t happen.
9. I like living alone. Until I don’t. And that’s when I Facebook. Or cry over sentimental music. Or write a blog that may or may not look like this one. Or wash my dishes at 2am and dance around my kitchen, epically yet silently mouthing French musicals because I do still want to think of my neighbors. What can I say? Mine is an interesting apartment.
10. Before you even say it, I refuse to get a cat. My sister could never visit if I do, and I’m pretending that’s the main reason. The real main reason might be because if I get one cat, I’m pretty sure I’ll somehow end up with five and then I’ll be that woman.
11. I’m an introvert who loves planning and hosting parties. That’s when I know that I have ultimate control over my surroundings. If I’m invited to a party, I might have a mini panic attack because I don’t know what to expect. Let me at least pretend to co-host. Then I can step out of the room at any time to fetch more snacks from the kitchen and everyone will compliment me on being a good hostess instead of condemning me for being a bad conversationalist.
12. I’m much funnier in writing than in person. Sorry if my conversations are actually that bad. I need time to think things through.
13. I’m really not fond of leading questions when I can sense that it’s more about what you want to tell me than what you want to ask me. If you want to say something, just say it. If you want to know something, ask it outright. I’m not likely to press you for details unless you offer and not likely to offer details unless I really have something to say.
14. I’m sorry if I’ve bailed on you for outings. I like the idea of getting together with people I love. But I also get easily overwhelmed by actually rubbing shoulders with people I don’t know. It often comes down to whether or not I have a clear purpose or goal for going out.
15. As a follow up, here are some places I hate: bars with loud music so I can’t hear you; bars with TVs so I can’t manage to focus on you; places where I will inevitably be standing in someone’s way; parties with too many people so cross-conversations distract me; basically anywhere where extraneous stimulation keeps me from actually talking to you.
16. If I’m in public somewhere and reading a book, I’m probably actually interested in or trying to finish said book. I’m not usually one to hide behind a book hoping that someone will talk to me.
17. On the flip-side, if I’m twiddling on my phone, it’s probably bejeweled blitz. You’re more than welcome to interrupt that. Sorry! I’m confusing!
18. If you hear my fake voice when I’m small-talking, I am sorry. I’d love to have a real conversation with you. But when it turns to small talk, I can’t turn off the fake voice.
19. If I’m completely silent in a room with you, please don’t think I hate you. It’s quite likely a good sign that I really like you and am completely at ease. Bonus points if I end up humming or singing without realizing it. That’s when you’ve really arrived at putting me at ease.
20. I really like people. But I’m rather selfish and I like you on my own terms. Please feel free to call me on it; just don’t assume that introverts don’t like people. 

Also, in re-reading, I've realized this is only about half apology. The other half is kind of authoritarian. Oops.